Ouch thought u said i love you ECC Lying bastard!
Journal Entry: Wed Aug 2, 2006, 7:16 AM
That night it was awkward. ========= was definitely distant to me and a little testy from the start anyway. He had a few beers, and we had discussed the photographs I had done. The photographs I went to do were for modeling and my friend knew the photographer from what I knew and I trusted her.
So here I’ll explain the whole shoot and what I did and why. I went to the photo shoot with some pride. I felt good about myself, I felt beautiful. My whole life I’ve felt ugly. I was ridiculed as a child in school. I just felt like modeling was a way to let myself flourish into this beautiful flower.
So in the photo shoot I felt like I wanted to show all of my body. I didn’t care who saw it I did it for myself no one else. I wanted to feel the whole feeling of beauty. Though, of course, after a good number of shots I was done. The comfort level of it all was slipping so we stopped.
Well ========= my photographer let me take a copy of the photos home. The photos were transferred on a CD, and I had slide the CD into the computer and try to scan over the photos. I wanted to see how they turned out in my own time alone. Well they didn’t work so I left the CD in the slot.
Well the night we discussed it we got into a argument over it. He found out I had done nudes, and was royally pissed off about it. He started mentioning and showing a difference in his attitude when he began calling me a “whore.”
He called my photographer that night for my release form. When he had read that my release said that ========= my photographer could use them as he pleased. So ===== my fiancé began to argue with my photographer on the phone. He wanted them off the net and to not ever be shown. So my photographer agreed to what he wanted and took them off the net and said he wouldn’t use them.
They also had discussed the whole shoot with him. ======= was so angry when he figured I wanted to do nudes that he grabbed my arm and dug his nails in so hard and threw me onto the floor almost hitting a nearby love seat. I started to bawl, because that was his first attempt to actually hurting me and meaning it, like not being playful like he usually does.
I had looked down at my arm and a bruise had already formed. =========’s mom had yelled from the stairs asking what was going on due to the thud of me falling. I of course didn’t say anything I didn’t think it was good for her to know, but I should have said something, because it only got worse.
So after his mom left he told me to sit on the bed away from him or he was going to punch me or do something he may regret. So I sat on the bed quietly. He kept muttering that he wanted to see the pictures he wanted to know how bad they were. He told me he had a private investigator on me and would know by the next day anyway. So instead hiding the copy I had and making it worse I just gave him the copy.
He scanned through the photos while I sat on the bed crying still quietly as I could. He was saying how much of a whore I was and disgusting the photos were and he puked. He started to play some music a song he use to interpret as being him then now he mentioned it being me.
I was sadly thinking to myself that this was probably the end of us. I was so upset I thought solely to myself I might commit suicide. All the things he was saying that night made me feel lower than dirt. How I was stupid. How I was a whore. How I was nothing.
So I walked to the bathroom and I held the scissors up to my hair and faced him. I told him “If I’m nothing to you anymore then I’m nothing to anyone.” I knew he loved my long hair and that was the only thing that made me beautiful. So I chopped off a hunk of hair and let it fall.
He was so mad that he ran at me and shoved me into the bathroom. He wailed me in the back about two to three times. I fell to the floor. “How could you cut your hair,” he yelled. “Now how am I supposed to take you out anywhere, now you’re going to have to grow it all back now,” he screamed. He left the bathroom for a few minutes then came back and started to kick my right thigh three to four times pretty hard. “How could you cut your damn hair you want to be a damn dyke again.” He yelled at me.
All I did was wail tears. I didn’t say anything to him but cry. He grabbed a hunk of the hair that had been cut and yanked on it hard pulling my head back then he slammed my head into the bathroom wall. I just cried harder.
He again left for a few minutes then came back in. He hovered over me taking a sip of beer. He then coldly tipped it on my head and poured it all on me. “I don’t want beer anymore.” He said as he finished pouring it to the last drop. He then told me to go into the shower. I cried knowing he would turn the water on and cold. Know that its winter so cold water will only bring me into hypothermia.
I didn’t move fast enough for him I guess, because he grabbed me from behind by my neck and chocked me as he lifted me up and into the tub. I shook against the wall that was the opposite end of the foist. He turned the water on ice cold and sprayed it on me with clothes on.
I was crying so hard. I felt so low and so trashy when all of this was going on. I felt like my soul had died like there was nothing left to me or my life. Like I was either going to die, commit suicide, or get away from this. The getting away part felt so far away like it wouldn’t ever happen.
Well as I was bawling my eyes out in such pain and feeling such betrayed he worded to me, “Stop crying or I’ll make you stop crying.” So I bit my lip and tried hard to stop. He then worded to “Walk back and sit in the tub, I want you to feel it all.” I looked to him for some kind of remorse some kind of pity at least and all he did was look back and say “Do it or I’ll make you do it.”
So I slowly stepped back and sat in the tub. I was more like leaning on my knees. He pulled the shower head forward and let the ice cold water drench me. He started mentioning how when he was in the air force or boot camp he had to do this but far worse this was a way of punishing me.
I knelt forward to at least try to escape some of the cold water and get a breath out of my grasp and crying wails. Again he told me to move back or he would make me. Finally this ended and he let me get out of the cold shower. I put on a turtle neck and shivered in a chair.
He sat alone on the couch still muttering on how much I was a whore. He then said since he couldn’t get any from me I would have to go to the bed naked. Okay for facts I’ll clear this up. One I would do him any day or night because I loved him and had deep passionate feelings for him, but he never wanted me either I wanted to much or none at all. He rather pleasure himself, or maybe even with someone else.
Who knows all I know is that he raped me anally and vaginally 3 times that night. Even though near the end I took the trial of getting off at least out of the whole mess. Though the next day feeling shittier than I did that night. He woke me up made me sit next to him and beat him off on my chest. I felt more and more repulsed and lower than dirt. I felt like I was worth nothing and since that I might as well committed suicide out of it.
Then after a shower still feeling dirty and extremely upset, he left for work. I walked down the stairs bawling my eyes out and told him mom I was leaving. I gathered a few things and called my mom and left. I got there and I crashed and cried my eyes out.
I felt betrayed confused and most of all unloved. I felt like the man who said I love you hated me at the most extent possible. I felt so gross and dirty and low. I felt like I was worth nothing like I was nothing. Gladly though my friends and family helped me. I finally received a job.
Even as I pass through this I have a heavy heart and I still cry I cried as I wrote this. It’s hard to try and even push on. He continuously is in my dreams and the dreams are if nothing happened. There peaceful and the way I wish they still were, but he ruined it I didn’t. I wanted us to work not end, but I will not be abused for being in love.


My thoughts on this have changed. He never loved me never will. This is what happened and over the stupidest shit too. Watch where you tread ladies this man is a liar. I wont give names for there "own" good in life , but there a pedophile, abuser, alcoholic, cheater, liar, and rapist. So watch your step around the net and tenn you might hook this one. Oh yah and if it happens to you his whole side of friends will accuse you of being crazy but if u think im crazy go down to the maryville court system and let me show you my brusies he left! So yah he also wont let you go out only the places he wants to go and he wont let you have any real friends. i wanna word what happened to me and no one is going to stop me its only for the good of womanhood!



***Again anyone using my pictures please leave me a note and link and please give me some credit thanks